All right, I want to see a show of hands: how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food?

好的，我想讓大家舉手示意一下，有多少人曾經在Facebook上拉黑過好友，就因為他們在政治、宗教、兒童托管或食品方面發(fā)表過讓你覺得受冒犯的言論？

And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?

那么有多少人至少有一個不想見的人，因為你就是不想和對方說話？

You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": Stick to the weather and your health.

要知道，在過去，想要有一段禮貌的交談，我們只能遵循亨利﹒希金斯在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告，只談論天氣和你的健康狀況。

But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects --are not safe either.

但這些年隨著氣候變化和反疫苗運動的開展——這招也不怎么管用了。

So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can't speak to one another and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it's not normal.

在我們生活的這個世界里，每一次交談都有可能發(fā)展為爭論，政客比起之間都不會正常講話，就連那些最雞毛蒜皮的事情都有人群情緒激昂地贊成或者反對，這太不正常了。

Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized, we are more divided, than we ever have been in history.

皮尤研究中心對10000名美國成年人做了一次調查，他們發(fā)現(xiàn)我們現(xiàn)在的極化程度和分裂程度，比歷史上任何時期都要高。

We're less likely to compromise, which means we're not listening to each other.

我們更不傾向于妥協(xié)，這意味著我們根本沒聽別人講話。

And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be, based on what we already believe.

我們做的各種決定——住哪、和誰結婚、和誰交朋友——都只基于我們已有的信念。

Again, that means we're not listening to each other. A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.

再重復一遍，這只說明我們根本不聽別人講話。一段交談需要在說和聽之間取得平衡，而不知怎么的，我們失去了這種平衡。

Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.

這其中的原因之一是技術，比如你們的智能手機，它們可能現(xiàn)在就在你們手里，或者就在旁邊隨手能拿到的地方。

According to Pew Research, about a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day.

根據(jù)皮尤的研究，大約1/3的美國青少年每天發(fā)送超過100條短信。

And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face.

而這中間很多人，幾乎是絕大部分人，更傾向于給朋友發(fā)短信，而不是面對面交談。

There's this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell.

《大西洋》雜志登過一篇很棒的文章，作者是一名叫保羅﹒巴恩維爾的高中老師。

And he gave his kids a communication project.

他給自己的學生布置了一項交流任務。

He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this: "I came to realize..."

他希望教會他們如何脫稿來針對某一主題發(fā)表演講。然后他說：“我開始意識到…”

I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.

我開始意識到：交流能力，可能是最被我們忽視的、沒有好好教授的技能。

Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.

孩子每天花費數(shù)小時來通過屏幕去接觸創(chuàng)意以及其他的伙伴，但很少有機會去發(fā)覺自己的人際交往技能。

It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves: Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?"

這個問題聽起來可能有點好笑，但我們必須問問自己：“在21世紀，有什么技能會比維持一段連貫、自信的談話更為重要呢？”

Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers.

現(xiàn)在，我的職業(yè)就是跟別人談話。諾貝爾獎獲得者、卡車司機、億萬富翁、幼兒園老師、政要、水管工。

I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don't like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level.

我和我喜歡的人交談，也和我不喜歡的人交談，其中有些人的觀點跟我差了十萬八千里。

But I still have a great conversation with them. So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.

但我仍舊和他們進行了高質量的談話。所以我打算用接下來10分鐘左右的時間教你們如何說話，以及如何傾聽。

Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, think of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you're paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.

你們中間很多人肯定已經聽過無數(shù)建議，比如看著對方的眼睛；提前想好有趣的話題；對視、點頭并且微笑，以此來表明你的注意力在對方身上；重復你剛才聽到的，或者做總結。

So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap.

我想讓你們忘掉所有這些，這全都是垃圾。

There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

如果你的注意力真的在這段對話上，那又怎么會需要學如何表現(xiàn)出你的注意力呢？

Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.

其實，我在作為職業(yè)訪談者工作時用的技巧正是我在平時生活中用的那些。

So, I'm going to teach you how to interview people, and that's actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.

好，我要來教你們如何采訪別人，這絕對會幫助成為一個更好的溝通者。

Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody.

我來教你們怎樣進行一段既不浪費時間、也不無聊，而且謝天謝地不會冒犯到別人的談話。

We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like.

我們都曾有過很棒的交談，我們曾有過，我們知道那是什么感覺。

The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection or you've been perfectly understood.

他們讓你在結束之后感到很投入、很受啟發(fā)的交談，或者令你覺得你和別人建立了真實的連接，或者讓你完全被別人理解。

There is no reason why most of your interactions can't be like that.

你的每一次交流其實都完全可以是這樣。

So I have 10 basic rules. I'm going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you'll already enjoy better conversations.

我有10條基本規(guī)則，我會一條條給你們解釋，但說真的，即使你只選擇一條并且熟練掌握了它，你就已經可以享受更愉快的交談了。

Number 1: Don't multitask.

第一條：不要三心二意

And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand.

我不是說單純放下你的手機、平板電腦、車鑰匙，或者任何其他你那在手里的東西。

I mean, be present. Be in that moment.

我的意思是，處在當下。進入那個情境中去。

Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner.

不要想著你之前和老板的爭吵。不要想著晚飯吃什么。

If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.

如果你想退出交談，就退出交談。但不要身在曹營心在漢。

Number 2: Don't pontificate.

第二條：不要好為人師。

If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog.

如果你想要表達自己的看法，又不想留下任何機會讓人回應、爭論、反駁或深入，寫博客去。

Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring.

我來告訴你們?yōu)槭裁次也蛔尅罢f教專家”上我的秀：因為他們真的很無聊。

If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.

如果TA是個保守派，那一定討厭奧巴馬、糧票和墮胎。

If they're liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.

如果TA是個自由派，那一定會討厭大銀行、石油公司和迪克?切尼。

Totally predictable.

完全可以預測。

And you don't want to be like that.

而且你肯定不希望那樣。

You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.

你需要在進入每一次交流時都假定自己可以學習到一些東西。

The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.

著名心理治療師M?斯科特?佩克曾說：真正的傾聽需要你置身于自己之外。

And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.

有時候，這意味著把你的個人觀點放在一邊。

He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.

他說：一旦感受到這種接納，說話的人會變得越來越不脆弱敏感，然后越來越有可能把自己的內心世界呈現(xiàn)給傾聽者。

Again, assume that you have something to learn.

再強調一遍，要假定你能在里面學到東西。

Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't." I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.

比爾?奈伊說：“每一個你將要見到的人都知道你不知道的東西。”用我的話講就是：每個人都是某方面的專家。

Number 3: Use open-ended questions.

第三點：問開放式的問題。

In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.

關于這一點，請參考記者采訪的提問方式。以“誰”、“ 什么”、“ 何時”、“ 何地”、“ 為什么”或“如何”開始提問。

If you put in a complicated question, you're going to get a simple answer out.

如果你詢問一個復雜的問題，你將會得到一個簡單的回答。

If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't."

如果我問你：“你當時恐懼嗎？”你會回應那句話中最有力的詞，也就是“恐懼”，而答案將是 “是的”或者“不是”。

"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."

“你當時生氣嗎？”“是的，我當時氣得很。”

Let them describe it. They're the ones that know.

讓對方去描述，對方才是了解情境的人。

Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?"

試著這樣問對方：“那是什么樣子？”，“你當時感覺怎么樣？”

Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

因為這樣一來，對方可能需要停下來想一想，而你會得到更有意思的回答。

Number 4: Go with the flow.

第四點：順其自然。

That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.

也就是說，想法會自然流入你的大腦，而你應該讓他們趕快滾開。

We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered.

我們常聽到采訪中嘉賓說了幾分鐘，然后主持人回過來問問題，這問題好像不知道從何而來或者已經被回答過了。

That means the host probably stopped listening 2 minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing.

這說明主持人可能2分鐘前就沒在聽，因為他想到了這個非常機智的問題，于是就心心念念想著問這個問題。我們同樣也會這么干。

We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.

當我們和某人坐在一起交談時，我們突然想起那次和休?杰克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。

And we stop listening.

然后我們就停止傾聽了。

Stories and ideas are going to come to you. You need to let them come and let them go.

故事和想法會自然而然跑到你腦子中去，你應該讓他們從哪來就回哪去。

Number 5: If you don't know, say that you don't know.

第五點：如果你不知道，就說你不知道。

Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure.

廣播節(jié)目里的人，尤其在全國公共廣播之聲（NPR）中，非常明白他們的談話會被播放出去。所以他們對自己聲稱專業(yè)的地方以及言之鑿鑿的東西會更加小心。

Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.

要學著這樣做，謹言慎行，談話應該是負責任的行為。

Number 6: Don't equate your experience with theirs.

第六條：不要把自己的經歷和他人的劃等號。

If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.

如果對方談論失去了家人，不要開始說你失去家人的事情。

If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job.

如果對方在說工作上的困擾，不要告訴他們你多么討厭你的工作。

It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual.

這是不一樣的，永遠不可能一樣，每個人的體驗都是獨特的。

And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered.

而且，更重要的是，這段對話的主角不是你。你不需要在此刻證明你多么能干，或者你經受了多少痛苦。

Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, "I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers."

有人曾問史蒂芬?霍金他的智商是多少，他回答道：“我不知道。拿智商吹牛的人都是diao絲?！?/div>

Conversations are not a promotional opportunity.

交談不是用來推銷自己的。

Number 7: Try not to repeat yourself.

第七條：盡量別重復自己的話。

It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot.

這會讓人覺得你自命不凡，也很無聊。但我們很容易這樣做。

Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.

尤其是在工作交談中，或者和孩子的交談中。我們想聲明一個觀點，于是換著方式不停地說。

Don't do that.

別這樣。

Number 8: Stay out of the weeds.

第八條：少說廢話。

Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.

說白了，沒人在乎那些年份、名字、日期這些你努力回想的細節(jié)。

They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.

別人不在乎，他們關注的是你、你是什么樣的人、你們有什么共同點。所以忘掉細節(jié)吧，別管它們。

Number 9: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one.

第九條：這不是最后一條，但是最重要的一條。

Listen.

認真傾聽。

I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop.

我說不上來到底有多少重要人士都說過傾聽可能是最重要的，它是你能培養(yǎng)出的最重要的技能。

Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened his way out of a job."

佛曰——我用自己的話講一下：“如果你在張嘴說，你肯定什么也沒學到?！笨栁?柯立芝曾說：“從沒有人是因為聽太多而被開除的?！?/div>

Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk.

為什么我們不愿傾聽彼此？首先，我們更喜歡說。

When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the center of attention. I can bolster my own identity.

我在說話時，一切在我的掌控之中，我不用聽任何我不感興趣的東西，我是雙方注意力的中心，我可以強化自己的認同感。

But there's another reason: We get distracted.

但還有一個原因：我們分心了。

The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.

人平均每分鐘說大約225個單詞，但我們每分鐘可以聽將近500個單詞。

So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.

所以我們的大腦打算自己填滿那剩下的275個單詞。

And look, I know, it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation. You're just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.

我知道，把注意力放在別人的話上面是很費勁的，不過如果你做不到，你就沒有真的在交談。你們只不過是兩個人彼此嚷嚷的人。

You have to listen to one another. Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.

你必須聽對方講。史蒂芬?柯維對此有精彩的論述。

He said, "Most of us don't listen with the intent to understand. We listen with the intent to reply."

他說：“我們大多數(shù)人都不是為了理解而聽。我們是為了回應而聽?！?/div>

One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.

最后一條，第十條：簡明扼要。

[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister]

“好的交談就像是條恰到好處的迷你裙；足夠短，能夠吸引人，又足夠長，能夠包納（蓋?。┲黧w——我妹”

All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.

所有這些都濃縮成同一個概念，那就是：保持對他人的興趣。

You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home.

我在一個名人外公的身邊長大，我家里賓客絡繹不絕。

People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, "Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer."

訪客會前來和我的外祖父母交談，而那些人離開后，我母親會過來對我們說：“你們知道那是誰嗎？她是美國小姐的亞軍。他是薩克拉門托市長。她拿過普利策獎。他是俄羅斯芭蕾舞蹈家?！?/div>

And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them.

我在成長中默認了每個人都有不為人知的精彩。

And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host.

說真的，我想是這一切讓我成為了更好的主持人。

I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed.

我盡量少說話，但我開放自己的思想，永遠準備著大吃一驚，而我從未感到失望。

You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.

你們也可以這樣。走出門去，和別人交談，聽別人說，以及最重要的，準備好被他們驚艷到吧。

Thanks.

謝謝