最后，點(diǎn)評一下網(wǎng)上幾篇范文的第一段。

版本一：

Students' mental health has been playing an increasingly important role in our day-to-day life. Indeed, it is widely accepted that it has gained growing popularity among persons in all walks of life. There is a general discussion today about the issue of disorder in brains.

金老師點(diǎn)評：這是某知名機(jī)構(gòu)網(wǎng)上流傳的版本。這個(gè)版本套用痕跡非常明顯，內(nèi)容空洞。三句話之間沒有緊湊的邏輯關(guān)系，大家只要細(xì)心，就能看出這三句基本都是一個(gè)意思，車轱轆話，來回說。這樣的話，只留下一句即可。同學(xué)們有沒有說車轱轆話的時(shí)候？要記住，寫作文，就算沒有出奇的表達(dá)，內(nèi)容上也要豐富一些，有例子，有idea，這才是寫作。另：這段話里還有用詞錯誤，gain popularity？好的事物才說受到青睞。disorder in brains？大腦紊亂？這跟心理健康關(guān)系不大。如果說mental disorder精神失常，還好一些。但即使這樣，也是以偏概全。有心理問題，不等于精神失常。

版本二：

As is known to all, psychological health is as important as, if not more important than, physical health for a student during his/her growth. However, it’s quite worrying that nowadays some students are not quite psychologically healthy.

金老師點(diǎn)評：這個(gè)版本略好一些，至少兩句話之間有邏輯上的遞進(jìn)。但是第二句說完之后，讓人意猶未盡，顯然在內(nèi)容上，還是少了一些東西。

版本三：

There is no denying the fact that mental health is of great importance to college students. Nowadays, many students in college suffer from mental illness, which severely affects their life and study. Taking a look around, can find examples too numerous to list. Reports are often heard that some students committed suicide or murdered their roommates. Typical examples include the case of Ma Jiajue and that of a girl stabbing her schoolmates.

金老師點(diǎn)評：知名機(jī)構(gòu)另一篇，第一句話有些問題，there is no denying套的太生硬，還是早期機(jī)構(gòu)的手法，而且后面還多了個(gè)the fact，有套用后走火入魔的嫌疑。好在后面的表達(dá)開始進(jìn)入正軌，各種舉例和表達(dá)，讓內(nèi)容顯得很豐富。估計(jì)能把印象分撈回來，但是瑕疵已然存在。

最后說兩點(diǎn)：

1. 由于篇幅限制，范文的部分，還有很多方面不能一一展開，請大家自行對照。有問題可以在部落與老師交流（點(diǎn)擊進(jìn)入金老師部落主頁>>）。

2. 新的學(xué)期剛剛開始，大家這幾個(gè)月里，應(yīng)該多做四六級核心詞的word-map，這樣能升級詞匯，積累事件+觀點(diǎn)。對于寫作來說，這是很有幫助的。

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