1. I decided to rename all the contacts in my phone with their spirit animals. Who the hell is eternal baby chinchilla ?
我決定把手機(jī)里的聯(lián)系人全部重命名為他們的靈魂動(dòng)物，誰(shuí)是“永遠(yuǎn)的栗鼠寶寶”？

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2. 12 years ago I got really drunk at a college party and some guy at the party held my hair back while I threw up and walked me around the yard until I felt better. We’ve been married almost 7 years now.
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2年前我讀大學(xué)的時(shí)候，在一個(gè)聚會(huì)上醉得很厲害。一個(gè)在場(chǎng)的男孩幫我挽起頭發(fā)，以免吐的時(shí)候沾到。還陪著我在院子里散步，直到我感覺好多了?，F(xiàn)在我們已經(jīng)結(jié)婚7年了。

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3. I came home overserved andshowered my ID to my Dad at the front door of the house at 4amthniking it was another bar. My dad was in full cop uniform going to work. I got in but was not allowed out for a while.
我醉醺醺地回到家里，在大門口把身份證給我的爸爸看，那個(gè)時(shí)候是凌晨4點(diǎn)，我以為這是另外一個(gè)酒吧。我爸爸穿著全套警察制服，正準(zhǔn)備去上班。他允許我進(jìn)門，但我很久之后才被允許出門。

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4. One time I got drunkwith an old teacherfrom high school and apparently, at some point duringthe night, I raised my head and asked him if I could use the bathroom.
有一次我跟一個(gè)高中老師舊識(shí)對(duì)飲，喝得醉醺醺的，我很清楚地記得，當(dāng)晚某個(gè)時(shí)間，我舉起手問他我能不能去上廁所。

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5. I once got so drunk I cried hysterically because my parakeet had to live his life without hands.
有一次我醉的很厲害，哭得歇斯底里，因?yàn)槲业拈L(zhǎng)尾小鸚鵡一輩子都沒長(zhǎng)過胳膊。

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6. Got so drunk my friend let me stay over for the night. Woke up on the floor of their living roomwith my friends 8 year old son lining up action figures around my body saying”don’t wake the gaint! Tie him down!”
有一次我醉得很厲害，我的朋友收留我在他家過夜。我醒來(lái)時(shí)自己躺在他們家的地板上。我朋友8歲的兒子把玩具兵圍繞在我周圍 ， 喊著“別吵醒巨人！捆??！放倒！”

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7. One night I got so drunk at the bar that I stole a girl’s birthday crown off her head, went to another bar, and made eveyone there buy me birthday drinks.
有天晚上我在酒吧里喝得醉醺醺的，我偷走了一個(gè)女孩頭上的生日帽，去了另一個(gè)酒吧，告訴酒吧里所有的人今天是我的生日，讓他們請(qǐng)我喝酒。

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9. I once left a party to walk home and woke up behind a strangers sofa cuddling a full grown German Shepherd.
有次我參加聚會(huì)后以為自己回到了家。一覺醒來(lái)才發(fā)現(xiàn)自己躺在陌生人家的沙發(fā)背后，還抱著一只成年的德國(guó)牧羊犬。

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10. I was super drunk at a bar once and walked into the bathroom. When I turned I bumped into someone and said”oh my gosh I’m so sorry”. Took me 5 minutes to realize that the “person” I bumped into wasmy reflection in the mirror.
有次我在一個(gè)酒吧里醉得很厲害。我走進(jìn)衛(wèi)生間，撞見衛(wèi)生間里的另一個(gè)人。我說“哦，天吶，我很抱歉”。5分鐘后我意識(shí)到我撞見的那個(gè)人是自己在鏡子里的倒影。

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11. Went out with $20. Woke up with 4250, 3 lighters, 2 phones & keys to someone else’s car..
出門的時(shí)候帶了20塊錢，醒來(lái)的時(shí)候身上有250塊錢，3個(gè)打火機(jī)，2個(gè)手機(jī)，還有一把別人家的鑰匙。

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12. One night I got drunk with a forgign diplomat. He thought I worked for ”the embassy”. Turns out I worked for “NBC”.
一天晚上我和一個(gè)外國(guó)大使一起喝醉了。他以為我在“大使館”工作。結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)我是在“NBC電視臺(tái)”工作。

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13. I stepped out of the barto smoke. I realized I had to pee in the worst way but I had half a cig left. Decided to squat between two cops cars for ‘privacy’. Shout out to the San Diego policemen who let me finish up before they cuffed me.
我從酒吧里出來(lái)吸煙，我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己必須在最惡劣的環(huán)境里尿尿，幸好我還有半支煙。我決定蹲在兩輛警車中間處理一點(diǎn)“私人事務(wù)”。我還對(duì)圣地亞哥的警察大聲嚷嚷，他們讓我把私事“解決完了”才把我銬起來(lái)。

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14. I was trapped in an elevator, used the emergency phone freaking out till the door opened and I was rescued. Couldn’t figure out why my rescuers seemed so annoyed. Turns out I wasn’t trapped, in my drunken state I just forgot to press a button.
我被困在電梯里，驚慌失措中使用了緊急電話，后來(lái)門開了，我得救了。但我不明白為什么來(lái)救援的人看起來(lái)很煩躁。原來(lái)我并沒有被困住，我只是喝醉了，忘了按電梯。

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（翻譯：小木）