In the workplace, we all run into conflict. Many of us would love to speak up and assert ourselves to correct it. And, in a perfect world, it would be easy. You could finally tell that colleague who keeps interrupting you exactly how you feel. You could give him a piece of your mind, releasing the frustration and anger that’s been gnawing at you for months. You could finally express that part of you that feels so underappreciated and marginalized.
在工作場所，我們都會遇到矛盾，我們中的很多人都喜歡說出來，堅(jiān)持自己去改正。在一個完美的世界里，這很容易。你終于可以告訴那個一直打斷你的同事你的感受。你可以告訴他你的想法，釋放那些折磨你幾個月的挫折和憤怒。一直以來你都覺得被低估、被邊緣化，現(xiàn)在你終于可以表達(dá)出自己的感受。
?
But speaking up can be difficult — and sometimes overwhelming — especially if you are shy, lack confidence, or come from a culture where it is inappropriate to speak up. It can feel pushy and overly aggressive to be assertive, especially if you’re timid or hate conflict. It can also feel awkward and unnatural, not least if you’re more inclined to voice your frustrations and discontent in an indirect or passive manner.
但是，說出來可能會很困難，有時會讓人難以忍受——尤其是如果你很害羞、缺乏自信，或者你所處的環(huán)境讓你覺得很難開口。如果你膽小或討厭沖突，你會覺得自己咄咄逼人、太激進(jìn)。尤其是如果你更傾向于用間接或消極的方式表達(dá)你的不滿，你會感到尷尬和不自然。
?
But there is hope for the chronically unassertive among us. Fears about speaking up are hard but not impossible to overcome. Voicing your frustration with an “assertiveness formula” can help.
但也有方法是可以解決這個問題的。害怕說出來是很難解決的，但也不是不可能克服的。用“自信公式”可以幫助你表達(dá)你的不滿。
?
1. Start with a short, simple, objective statement about the other person’s behavior — what you’d like to see changed. For example: “When you interrupt me during meetings” or “When you take sole credit for the work we’ve done collaboratively.” Your goal here is to get the other person’s attention and, in doing so, minimize their defensiveness. The statement should be short, to the point, and evenhanded and unemotional enough that they can hear your message and not immediately disagree or disengage.
簡短、簡單、客觀地描述對方行為——以及你希望看到的變化。例如:“當(dāng)你在開會的時候打斷我”或“我們合作完成這項(xiàng)任務(wù)，但你自己包攬了功勞時?！蹦愕哪繕?biāo)是讓對方注意到問題所在，這樣做可以降低他們的防御性和抵觸情緒。這句話應(yīng)該簡短、切中要點(diǎn)，甚至不要帶太多的感情，以至于他們能聽到你的信息，而不是立刻反駁你。
?
2. Describe the negative effect that this behavior has had on you. Explain why the person’s behavior is causing a problem. For example, if the first part of the formula is “When you continually interrupt me during meetings,” you might then add, “I don’t get a chance to voice my opinion.” Or, for “When you take sole credit for the work we’ve done collaboratively,” you’d add, “I don’t have a chance to highlight my role and contribution.” The goal here is to build a cause-and-effect logic, linking an objective statement of their behavior to the impact that the behavior has had on you.
描述這種行為對你的負(fù)面影響。解釋為什么這個人的行為會引起問題。例如，如果公式的第一部分是“當(dāng)你在開會時不停地打斷我，”你可能會補(bǔ)充說，“我沒有機(jī)會表達(dá)我的意見?！被蛘?，“我們合作完成這項(xiàng)任務(wù)，但你自己包攬了功勞時，”你會補(bǔ)充說，“我沒有機(jī)會強(qiáng)調(diào)我的作用和貢獻(xiàn)。”這里的目標(biāo)是建立一個因果邏輯，將對于他們行為的客觀陳述與這些行為對你產(chǎn)生的影響聯(lián)系起來。
?
3. End with a feelings statement. Here, you want to indicate how their offending behavior has not only negatively impacted your actions but also hurt your feelings. An example of a feelings statement might be “I feel marginalized” or “I feel underappreciated.” While the other person may feel surprised— and even uncomfortable — to hear this, it’s hard to refute a person’s feelings. Adding this element makes the assertiveness message as a whole that much more powerful.
最后要表達(dá)你的情緒。在這里，你想說明他們的冒犯行為不僅對你的行為產(chǎn)生了負(fù)面影響，而且還傷害了你的感情。舉個例子，你可以說 “我覺得被邊緣化了”或者“我覺得被低估了”。另一個人聽到這些話可能會感到驚訝甚至不舒服，因?yàn)楹茈y反駁一個人的情緒和感受。說出你的情緒會使傳達(dá)自信的信息變得更有力。
?
Putting it all together, you have something like this: “When you continually interrupt me during meetings, I don’t get a chance to voice my opinion, and I feel marginalized.”
做好這三步，標(biāo)準(zhǔn)模式就是“開會時你經(jīng)常打斷我，我沒有機(jī)會發(fā)表意見，我覺得自己被邊緣化了?！?/div>
?
A well-crafted assertiveness message can be effective on the spot, if you have the emotional wherewithal to deliver it. But it can also be something you hone and craft in preparation for an upcoming conversation, especially if you don’t feel particularly practiced at the craft or if you’re anticipating a defensive reaction from the other person.
如果你有足夠的情感來傳遞信息，這個信息當(dāng)時就會產(chǎn)生效果。但它也可以是你為即將到來的談話準(zhǔn)備的東西，特別是如果你覺得自己對這方面還比較生疏，或者別人很大幾率會反駁你時，準(zhǔn)備這樣的信息就非常重要了。
?
Of course, even with a formula in hand, assertiveness isn’t always easy. It’s quite possible that the recipient of your message will react negatively, so you’ll want to meet any response with a calm, steady, and confident presence. You’ll also want to accumulate as much evidence as possible to support the first part of your message — the statement about the other person’s offending behavior. Your goal is to provide enough clarity and specificity about this behavior that your statement impossible to refute. What also helps is demonstrating a pattern of behavior over time, which might require you to keep a diary of instances when you’ve felt hurt, undermined, or offended by the person’s actions. Don’t use this record as an opportunity to harp on your colleague for the many times you felt they were at fault; use it only as backup material if your counterpart refutes you and needs convincing. This evidence will be key for increasing the likelihood that your message will be heard and ultimately have the intended effect on the recipient.
當(dāng)然，即使有現(xiàn)成的公式，使自己更令人信服并不總是那么容易。很有可能你的信息接收者會做出消極的反應(yīng)，所以你要以平靜、穩(wěn)定和自信的態(tài)度面對任何回應(yīng)。你也可以搜集盡可能多的證據(jù)來支持你的第一部分信息——關(guān)于他人冒犯性行為的陳述。你的目標(biāo)是為讓自己的陳述足夠清晰和細(xì)化，使之無懈可擊。同時，根據(jù)時間推進(jìn)來陳述也很有用，所以每次感覺自己受到傷害或被人的行為冒犯的時候就要記日記。不要把這些記錄當(dāng)作是一次對你的同事喋喋不休的機(jī)會，只有當(dāng)你的對手反駁你的時候，你可以把這些備用材料拿出來說服他們。這可以讓你的接受者更容易聽進(jìn)去你的話，最終會對接受者產(chǎn)生預(yù)期的效果。
?
In the end, speaking up is genuinely hard for many of us. And the results are far from guaranteed. The other person may respond in a positive way immediately; they might respond positively and productively but with a significant delay; or they might not change at all. But for you, getting up the courage to voice your frustrations in the first place can be a significant win.
最后，說出來對我們很多人來說真的很難。結(jié)果也無法保證。接受者可能立即以積極的方式回應(yīng)，也可能很晚才有切實(shí)的行動，或者根本不會改變。但對你來說，鼓起勇氣，在一開始就表達(dá)你的不滿，可能是一場重大勝利。