When you’re a nice person, conflict can be a real challenge. Not that mean people are any better at conflict; they just enjoy it more.
如果你一直待人友好,那么當(dāng)你遇到矛盾的時(shí)候,確實(shí)是一個(gè)很大的挑戰(zhàn)。這不意味著刻薄的人們更能應(yīng)對(duì)矛盾的發(fā)生,只是因?yàn)樗麄兏鼧?lè)在其中。

How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect, and connection you have with your colleagues.
你處理矛盾的方式就決定了你與你同事之間的信任、尊重以及聯(lián)系程度。

Conflict typically boils down to moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions differ. And you cannot master these moments without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).
一般來(lái)說(shuō)矛盾產(chǎn)生于事情嚴(yán)重性大、情緒緊張以及觀點(diǎn)不一致的時(shí)候,若你沒(méi)有高水平的情商就很難處理這些情況。

With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people that Talent Smart has given an emotional intelligence test, more than 90% of top performers have high EQs.
既然處理矛盾的能力對(duì)個(gè)人成功是如此至關(guān)重要的,那么也難怪,在超過(guò)百萬(wàn)人參與的,由Talent Smart公司開(kāi)展的一項(xiàng)情商測(cè)試顯示,超過(guò)百分之九十的頂尖表現(xiàn)者都有著高水平的情商。

New research from Columbia University shows that how you handle conflict can make or break your career. The researchers measured something scientifically that many of us have seen firsthand—people who are too aggressive in conflict situations harm their performance by upsetting and alienating their peers, while people who are too passive at handling conflict hinder their ability to reach their goals.
來(lái)自哥倫比亞大學(xué)的最新研究發(fā)現(xiàn),一個(gè)人處理矛盾的方式將會(huì)成就或損害個(gè)人的事業(yè)。研究人員們利用科學(xué)方法測(cè)量了某些我們可能曾經(jīng)親眼看見(jiàn)的東西——在矛盾出現(xiàn)的時(shí)候,那些過(guò)于好斗的人們將會(huì)因其打擊和離間同伴的行為損害自己的工作表現(xiàn),而那些過(guò)于被動(dòng)的人們則會(huì)阻礙他們達(dá)到目標(biāo)的能力。

The secret to effective handling of conflict is assertiveness—that delicate place where you get your needs met without bullying the other person into submission. Assertive people strike a careful balance between passivity and aggression (that is, they never lean too far in either direction).
有效處理矛盾的秘訣就是果斷——既能達(dá)到目的又不會(huì)逼迫他人屈服的微妙之處。果斷的人能夠在被動(dòng)和好斗之間找到最精確的平衡點(diǎn)(也就是,他們絕不會(huì)太偏向任何一方)。

How To Handle Conflict Assertively
如何果斷自信地應(yīng)對(duì)矛盾

It’s easy to think that nice people are too passive. While that’s often true, unchecked passivity can boil over into aggression. So there are plenty of very nice people out there who have exhibited both extremes of the assertiveness spectrum.
不難想象,友好的人都總是太被動(dòng)。雖然這種情況通常是真的,不過(guò)未受限制的被動(dòng)也有可能演變成好斗。所以有好多待人友好的人也會(huì)展示出果斷度量衡上的兩個(gè)極端的性格。

To be assertive, you need to learn to engage in healthy conflict. Healthy conflict directly and constructively addresses the issue at hand without ignoring or trivializing the needs of either party. The strategies that follow will get you there.
為了變得更堅(jiān)定而自信,你必須學(xué)會(huì)參與到健康的矛盾當(dāng)中。健康的矛盾處理并有建設(shè)性地突出當(dāng)前的問(wèn)題,既不會(huì)忽略或降低某一方需求的重要性。以下的策略能夠幫助你達(dá)到這個(gè)境界。

1. Consider the repercussions of silence.
1. 想想沉默不語(yǔ)的影響。

Sometimes it’s hard to muster the motivation to speak up when the likelihood is high that things will turn ugly. The fastest way to motivate yourself to act is to fully consider the costs of not speaking up—they’re typically far greater than not standing up for yourself. The trick is that you need to shift your attention away from the headache that will come with getting involved to all of the things you stand to gain from your assertiveness.
有時(shí)候,我們很難在事情可能變得更糟的時(shí)候集中情緒大聲說(shuō)出來(lái)。激勵(lì)自己行動(dòng)的最快捷方式就是充分考慮不大聲說(shuō)出來(lái)的代價(jià)——通常來(lái)說(shuō)遠(yuǎn)比不為自己發(fā)聲更大。技巧在于你需要把自己的注意力轉(zhuǎn)移過(guò)來(lái),從可能會(huì)陷入所有事情帶來(lái)的頭疼轉(zhuǎn)移到站起來(lái)因果斷發(fā)聲的收獲。

2. Say “and” instead of “but.”?
2.說(shuō)“以及”而不是“但是”。

The simple act of replacing the word “but” with “and” makes conflict much more constructive and collaborative. Say, for example, that your teammate John wants to use the majority of your budget on a marketing campaign, but you’re worried that doing so won’t leave enough money for a critical new hire. Instead of saying, “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, but I think we need to make a new hire,” say “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, and I think we need to make a new hire.” The difference is subtle, but the first sentence minimizes the value of his idea. The second sentence states the problem as you see it, without devaluing his idea, which then opens things up for discussion. Saying “and” makes the other party feel like you’re working with them, rather than against them.
簡(jiǎn)單地把“但是”換為“以及”將會(huì)使得矛盾變得有建設(shè)性、有合作性多了。比如,你的團(tuán)隊(duì)同事John想要使用你的大部分預(yù)算來(lái)參與一場(chǎng)營(yíng)銷(xiāo)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng),但是你擔(dān)心這么做就不能留下足夠的資金來(lái)招聘一位重要的新員工了。與其說(shuō)“我了解你想要利用這筆資金進(jìn)行推廣,但是我想我們需要招聘一位新人,”而應(yīng)該說(shuō)“我了解你想要利用這筆資金進(jìn)行推廣,并且我覺(jué)得我們需要招聘一位新人”。這兩句話的差別雖然很微小,但是第一句把他本人的想法的重要性降低了。第二句話陳述問(wèn)題的形式就像你所看到的,沒(méi)有降低了他的想法的重要性,也為后續(xù)的討論打開(kāi)的通道。說(shuō)“以及”能夠讓對(duì)方感到你正在與他/她合作,而不是搞對(duì)抗。

3. Use hypotheticals.
3. 使用假設(shè)性說(shuō)法。

When you assert yourself, you don’t want it to look like you’re poking holes in their idea (even when you are). Hypotheticals are the perfect way to pull this off. Telling someone, for example, “Your new product idea won’t work because you overlooked how the sales team operates” comes across much more aggressively than suggesting the hypothetical, “How do you think our sales team will go about selling this new product?” When you see a flaw and present a hypothetical, you’re engaging with the original idea and giving the other party a chance to explain how it might work. This shows that you’re willing to hear the other person out.
當(dāng)你為自己堅(jiān)定發(fā)聲,你不希望看起來(lái)在挑別人的刺(即使你真的是這樣的時(shí)候)。使用假設(shè)性的說(shuō)法就能完美地避免這個(gè)雷區(qū)了。比如說(shuō),你告訴某人“你的新產(chǎn)品概念行不通因?yàn)槟愫雎粤虽N(xiāo)售隊(duì)伍的運(yùn)營(yíng)方式”這樣只會(huì)讓人感到非常挑釁,倒不如假設(shè)“你認(rèn)為如果我們采取了這種方式銷(xiāo)售新產(chǎn)品,我們的銷(xiāo)售團(tuán)隊(duì)的適應(yīng)性如何?”當(dāng)你發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)缺點(diǎn),并且提出一個(gè)假設(shè),你就在參與到最初的概念當(dāng)作并且為對(duì)方提供一個(gè)解釋新點(diǎn)子運(yùn)作的機(jī)會(huì)。這樣顯示出你很愿意聽(tīng)取別人的意見(jiàn)。

4. Don’t speak in absolutes (“You Always” or “You Never”).
4. 語(yǔ)氣切忌過(guò)于絕對(duì)(“你總是”或“你永遠(yuǎn)都不”)。

No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. Using these phrases during conflict makes people defensive and closed off to your message. Instead, point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”
沒(méi)有人總會(huì)或總不會(huì)做某種事情。沒(méi)有人會(huì)覺(jué)得自己是膚淺的人,所以你不要試圖給對(duì)方下這么一個(gè)標(biāo)簽。在發(fā)生矛盾的時(shí)候使用這樣的詞匯只會(huì)引起人們的防備心并且拒絕接收你的信息。與其指出對(duì)方使你不爽的地方,倒不如用事實(shí)說(shuō)法。如果這種行為常常出現(xiàn),使你困惑,你可以這么說(shuō)“似乎你常常這么做?!被颉澳阕鲞@件事的頻率太高了,連我都注意到了。”

5. Ask good questions until you get to the heart of the matter.
5. 學(xué)會(huì)提問(wèn),直達(dá)問(wèn)題的核心。

Failing to understand the motive behind someone’s behavior throws fuel on the fire of conflict, because it makes everything they do appear foolish and shortsighted. Instead of pointing out flaws, you should seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Try asking good questions, such as Why did you choose to do it that way? What do you mean by that? and Can you help me to understand this better? Even when you don’t see eye to eye, using questions to get to the underlying motive builds trust and understanding, both of which are conflict killers.
無(wú)法理解某人行為背后的動(dòng)機(jī)則會(huì)給矛盾火上加油,因?yàn)檫@樣使得對(duì)方做的任何事情看起來(lái)愚蠢不堪,目光短淺。與其指出對(duì)方的缺點(diǎn),你應(yīng)該嘗試?yán)斫鈱?duì)方的出發(fā)點(diǎn)。嘗試提問(wèn)不容易回答的問(wèn)題,比如“你為什么會(huì)選擇這個(gè)方法?”“你這么做的出發(fā)點(diǎn)是什么?”以及“你能不能跟我解釋一下這個(gè)方法?”即使你們無(wú)法意見(jiàn)一直,也可以利用問(wèn)題直達(dá)隱藏的動(dòng)機(jī),建立起信任與理解,這兩種都能化解矛盾。

6. When you challenge, offer solutions.
6. 當(dāng)你提出質(zhì)疑的時(shí)候,請(qǐng)?zhí)峁┙鉀Q方案。

People don’t like it when they feel as if you’re attempting to take apart their idea right off the bat. When you challenge someone’s idea, but also offer a solution, you demonstrate that you want to work together to come up with a fix. This reinforces the value of their idea, even if it’s full of holes. For example, you might say “One potential problem that I see with your idea is ___. However, I think we can overcome this problem if we can just figure out a way to___.” In this example, you aren’t even providing the solution. You’re just acknowledging that you’re willing to work together to find one.
人們都不喜歡那種你想要把他們的點(diǎn)子馬上捏碎的感覺(jué)。如果你對(duì)某人的點(diǎn)子存在質(zhì)疑,請(qǐng)記得同時(shí)提供一個(gè)解決方案,你要表明自己希望跟對(duì)方一起尋找解決方法。這樣能夠增強(qiáng)對(duì)方點(diǎn)子的價(jià)值,即使點(diǎn)子滿是漏洞。比如,你可以這么說(shuō)“對(duì)于你的點(diǎn)子,我發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)潛在的問(wèn)題,那就是——,然而,我想我們可以解決它,如果我們能夠想到一個(gè)——的方法?!痹谶@個(gè)例子里,你甚至并不是提供解決的方法,你在承認(rèn)著你很愿意跟別人共同努力尋找解決方法的意愿。

Bringing It All Together
綜上所述

Mastering conflict requires emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent people know how to craft their message in a conflict, whether they’re naturally assertive or not. They take other people’s feelings into account while still asserting themselves confidently.
處理矛盾需要情緒智商。高情商的人知道如何在矛盾之中傳遞自己的信息,無(wú)論他們本人是否性格果斷。他們會(huì)考慮別人的感受,同時(shí)也能自信地為自己發(fā)聲。

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